1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and will never achieve its full potential, that one word would be “meetings.”
  3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
  4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
  7. Never lick a steak knife!
  8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
  10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
  12. One thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background: deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above average drivers.
  13. A person who is nice to you,  but rude to a waiter or waitress,  is not a nice person. (This is a very important observation. Pay attention.  It never fails.)

  14. Your friends love you anyway.

  15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A team of professionals built the Titanic.

  16. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research.
  17. Think about this – Set a goal for yourself. The goal itself doesn’t matter. It’s what we learn and how much we grow on the way towards the goal that counts. That is what’s important.     

By Dave Barry. Reproduced for educational purposes. 

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